


Sucks to suck, I guess

by ToxicPineapple



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Blasphemy, Crack, Crack Fic, Gen, Humour, Iruma Miu's Dirty Mouth, Joking about the F-Slur, Kaito Fucking Dies, Lightbulbs, No actual F-Slurs are said in this pieces, Ouma Kokichi Being A Bastard, Religious jokes, Satire, Sex Jokes, Sexual Humour, There's a reason i'm posting this to my alt, You guys need to take my computer away from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22829197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: Miu opens her mouth to retort, and Kokichi shushes her. “Shhhh! I’m concentrating! I gotta make this jump! If I miscalculate, I will most certainly break all my bones. That might be nice, actually… maybe then Saihara will finally kiss me as I die on the ground in a puddle of blood.”Miu laughs.“I know, it sounds preposterous,” Kokichi sighs. “Can’t believe the virgin is laughing at me.”“V-Virgin?” Miu gasps, genuine offense flickering over her features. “Ouma! You know for a fact that I’m not a--”“AAAAAAAND JUMPING!”---In which Kokichi is trying to steal light bulbs from the library, Miu is vibing, and Tenko is God (?)
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Iruma Miu, Iruma Miu & Ouma Kokichi, Saihara Shuichi/Shinguji Korekiyo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	Sucks to suck, I guess

**Author's Note:**

> i don't have rights what even is this i'm gonna blame nebby_webby for this monstrosity and call it good

“This is totally gonna work.” Kokichi says.

“Uh,” Miu squints up at where he’s perched on top of the book shelf, preparing to stretch forward like some kind of jungle cat and leap onto the light fixtures attached to the ceiling. “Hate to burst your bubble, tator twink, but this is not going to work.”

“Y’know, I thought I heard a guy saying that from your room last night before he went totally flaccid,” Kokichi hums, not sparing Miu a single glance as he decimates her on impact.

“Eeeee! Okay, okay! Steal your shitty fucking lightbulbs for your virgin ass girlfriend!” Miu squeals, holding her hands up in front of her face.

“Iruma, Iruma, Iruma,” Kokichi sits back on his ankles, giving her a look so disappointed from the top of the shelf that Miu’s knees disintegrate and she contemplates melting into a puddle of goo on the floor. “How many times have we been over this? I don’t swing that way. I’m on the other side of the fence. I get it up to Spongebob the Musica--”

“I don’t need to hear about your weird kinks!” Miu interrupts. “I get it! You’re a f--”

“I literally just obliterated you? Do you want me to piss on you from on top of a book shelf? It won’t look good for you if your girlfriend walks in here.”

“You’re a nasty motherfucker, absolutely disgusting,” frowns Miu. “Don’t involve me with your piss kink.”

“Then don’t insinuate that I’m fucking someone who is pretty much my sister and then call me the f-slur,” Kokichi shrugs. “It’s that simple.”

“You call yourself a [REDACTED] in the mirror every morning when you wake up.”

“Yeah, but that’s like, a  _ me  _ thing, y’know? It’s not your business what I say when I masturbate.” Miu opens her mouth to retort, and Kokichi shushes her. “Shhhh! I’m concentrating! I gotta make this jump! If I miscalculate, I will most certainly break all my bones. That might be nice, actually… maybe then Saihara will finally kiss me as I die on the ground in a puddle of blood.”

Miu laughs.

“I know, it sounds preposterous,” Kokichi sighs. “Can’t believe the virgin is laughing at me.”

“V-Virgin?” Miu gasps, genuine offense flickering over her features. “Ouma! You know for a  _ fact  _ that I’m not a--”

“AAAAAAAND JUMPING!” Kokichi interrupts in a hurry, desperate not to remember the time he walked in on Miu and Kaede doing… premarital activities.

Thankfully for both Miu, who is standing right under the light fixture, and for Kokichi’s bones, he doesn’t miscalculate. He latches onto the light and it swings dangerously back and forth for a moment with him clinging to it like a fucking goblin. Kokichi remains silent through this whole thing, seriously considering reintroducing the world to the teriyaki Kirumi made for lunch, but Miu screams for him.

Loud footsteps approach from down the hallway and the door slams open, revealing a panting Kaito.

“My respect women senses were--” Kaito begins to say, before God strikes him down in his place.

_ “You do not respect women,”  _ God tells Kaito, who is now dead.

“Holy fuck,” Kokichi says. “God is real.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Angie remarks from the door on the side of the library. Kokichi and Miu turn to look at her, startled for a number of reasons but mainly her use of profanity, and she raises her eyebrows. “What? Angie isn’t a virgin, unlike you two! She says shit!”

“I’m like, really uncomfortable right now,” Kokichi tells Miu.

“Yeah, fuckin’, uhhhhhh… same.” Miu nods.

“Yonaga says cuss words?” frowns Tenko, who is also God, and as such has been here more or less the whole time. “Tenko is moderate to severely disappointed in you, Yonaga.”

“Okay, but like, which one? Angie can deal with severe disappointment, ya know? Reminds her of her mother.”

“That’s kind of intense,” Miu remarks.

“God I wish that were me,” sighs Kokichi, an orphan.

“Can you guys stop yelling in the library please?” Shuichi asks, poking his head in. He spots Kokichi straddling the light fixture like it’s a horse. “Uhm, actually? I think I’ll leave you to it!”

“WAIT NO SHUMAI I LOVE YOU!” Kokichi yells, reaching dramatically for Shuichi.

  
“No thanks,” Shuichi promptly leaves to do bondage with Korekiyo. (Or maybe walk on a tightrope?)

“That’s rough, buddy,” Miu sighs in sympathy as Kokichi falls off the light fixture and promptly breaks all his bones.

“Don’t get too de- _ pressed _ over your death, Ouma!” Tenko laughs, as she’s God and therefore knows about chapter five.

“You’re an asshole,” Kokichi frowns as he dies.

“Yeah, Tenko is God,” Tenko says, as though this should be obvious. (It should.)

Miu bites her lip. Sucks to suck, she supposes. She then proceeds to take out the long claw hand she had attached to her belt and steal the lightbulbs. Nice. Before Angie or God can stop her, she Naruto runs up the wall and through the ceiling, never to be seen again.

**Author's Note:**

> this legally cannot be posted to my main otherwise god herself will come to my house and obliterate me


End file.
